Dentures, depends and desserts.

Titles can be misleading.  Everyone has been recommending (and by everyone I mean random people on Pinterest I don't even know who have been deciding my most recent culinary endeavors) this recipe called "I want to marry you" cookies.  I have decided that the title is missing an important piece.  I am choosing to call these cookies "I want to marry you quick because pretty soon all of the butter in this recipe will go to my hips and then you won't want to marry me anymore" cookies.

 

The butter that left it's shiny trace on each fingertip was a gentle reminder that while these cookies contained oatmeal, they are a negative five on the health scale.  It is recipes like these that make me excited to get old because when I am old and retired with my own little bakery, I plan on eating whatever I want.  Ice cream for breakfast.  Everyday.  For lunch too.  Maybe dinner.  I deserve to celebrate each breath I continue to take, and I plan on celebrating with tons of the things I said no to while eating my greens in my 20's when it mattered.  I think I need a Pinboard reserved for the recipes I will make for myself when I am 80 and there is zero hope for me ever having a six pack.  I'm not going to say that I won't enjoy a salad or two when I am older, but my rigid diet will not be a priority.  I will eat what I want when I want and lick the plate when I finish.  I will make many much "I want to marry you" cookies drenched in butter and own at least 5 ice cream makers to ensure that I have a wealth of ice cream selections available to me at all times. 

Among the many things I dream about doing when I'm old like opening my own bakery and having brightly colored sweat suits for doing Jazzercize, I am excited to grow old with someone.  I may let go of nutrition and adopt ice cream as my sole nutrient but love is something that will not be relinquished.    Bouquets, letters and sweet moments walking hand in hand will crescendo into a beautiful symphony of romance as we get old and prune-y together.  It will be beautiful.  So, I wait for the days of my frozen dairy diet and watch God's plan unfold in the process, enjoy every rabbit meal I nibble at and smell the flowers delivered to me today with the scent bright promises. 

"And we know that in all things, God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose."   Romans 8:28



No peeps were harmed in the making of this bread.

On lovely days like today, there is nothing better than a trip up to the mountains.  Mountains give perspective of a world that is much bigger than the little bubble we call our reality that often consumes us.  Mountains are big, so they kind of force you to get over yourself for a minute or two.  I got up to camp today to discover that they were serving a silent retreat for a user group.  As a rule, I don't succeed at silence.  I chose to be illiterate and continue talking.  Mark Twain says there is little difference between one who chooses not to read and one who can't, so I think I'll follow his philosophy today and ignore the signs.  These same silent people also had a dietary request list longer than the Nile, so it was time to get creative in the kitchen.  This was my adventure into vegan zucchini bread.  It took some hunting to find a recipe I could use, because I don't carry things like coconut oil and cocoa nibs on my person (while that might be surprising to you). With a few tweaks for being at altitude, the bread turned out yum-o-rrific.

Here is my zucchini bread in all of its vegan glory.  The silent people seem to like it.  I didn't hear any cheering or hooting and hollering in its honor but it's disappeared off the plate as I typed, so I'll take that as a "yum". 

Maybe today I am not minding the quiet so much though.  I am attempting to ween myself off of caffeine.  Note:  I am not giving up caffeine, but am sure that a daily diet of 40 oz. of coffee, 20 oz. of Rockstars, 40 oz. of Pepsi Max, and a few cups of tea a day can't be good for you.  I don't know how it always gets this bad.  It starts innocently enough with one cup of coffee at the beginning of the school year each day and then just expands.  It's my winter activity. Bears hibernate in the winter; I caffeinate.  It's about this time of year when I add up my caffeine intake and decide that I should share the wealth.  I could use up the world's supply and people might get irate.  Nobody wants that.  So today, my one Rockstar and 20 oz. of coffee is the limit.  My pounding head is reminding me of my detoxing, and is welcoming the mutes.  Plus, thanks to the mutes, I now have another vegan baking recipe in my pocket (the pocket where I apparently also need to start carrying cocoa nibs and coconut oil so I can try this recipe instead). 

Speaking of vegans, peeps are vegan, I believe.  Peeps are also weird.  I put them in the category of things-I-can't-believe-I-begged-for-as-a-kid, along with twinkies, beans-and-weenies, and going to Casa Bonita.  They are taunting me every time I enter any supermarket since Easter is coming.  I don't think I will ever understand the revolution of Peeps (which are now not only a staple Easter treat but coming in different colors and being even made into pumpkins and Christmas trees).  They are like a virus, invading all of the holidays.  I would have killed a few peeps to make this recipe, but it did not call for them.  You are safe today, Peeps.  Next time? Maybe not so much.  If a student of mine gives me some this year, as has happened in the past Easters, I will politely say, "Thank you, dear student, that is so thoughtful!" and then take them home and leave the package open "accidentally" until they are too stale to eat and throw them away.  Can't eat stale food, right?  (That's my justification so I don't feel bad for not eating a gift from a student.)  Were you thinking of giving me peeps?  Now you know that is a bad life choice.  When in doubt? Chocolate. Many much chocolate.  Or even better? Give me Jesus.  That's what Easter is all about anyways.  Thanking Jesus today for all of His glory.  Glory that is more than I can fathom.  Glory that kicks the butt of any pillow-y sugared chick we call a Peep. 

"The Son radiates God's own glory and expresses the very character of God, and he sustains everything by the mighty power of his command. When he had cleansed us from our sins, he sat down in the place of honor at the right hand of the majestic God in heaven." Hebrews 1:3

There are some things money can't buy...for everything else there's kazoos.

Can we start by talking about the musical wonder that is a kazoo?  It is awesome because it is the only instrument that levels the playing field as far as musical talent goes.  Music majors and tone-deaf Joe-schmoes all sound equally amazingly obnoxious (upon making that claim I am sure someone will quickly show me a YouTube video of someone who can play one to make them sound like you are at the orchestra but I would say that if you have watched a video of a kazoo orchestra on YouTube then I am calling for an intervention, you've got a problem, so be prepared).  I also enjoy a kazoo because it takes me back to one of my favorite memories.  Picture a warm summer evening after getting some Moosetracks ice cream with my aunt and having completed a trip to the dollar store (which you know only leads to the purchasing of worthless things you don't really have a need for like kazoos).  With one hand holding our ice cream and one hand holding our kazoo's and I suppose a third mutant hand for my aunt who was steering the car, we cruised around northern Michigan playing all the hits kazoo style.  The best portion was when we happened to need to go the same direction as another car for a good 20 minutes, so we were unintentionally following this car while jamming out on our recently acquired musical investments.  I wondered what he thought of us but wasn't worried enough to stop the jam session.  With 40 minutes of kazoo rehearsal on our drive, naturally we were ready for our debut performance and subjected our whole extended family to a concert.  I would like to say I was 7 when we did this, but I was a little past that (okay maybe a lot past that) and she was a little more past that (okay maybe a lot more past that).  Kazoo's transformed us, united us, and I will forever esteem the musical instrument that is the kazoo.  I share those same sentiments of regard for my kazoo band-mate and aunt, who passed away on Monday.  Few words can quite capture her character, to explain who she is an the mark she left on the world and in many hearts is as difficult as explaining a kazoo to someone who has never played one.  My attempt to describe her to you would be mediocre at best but I will say I have met few who encapsulate heart, passion and drive as she did. She wore the Achatz name well so hopefully I can carry on the legacy.  Maybe I'll enhance Achatz fame by perfecting my kazoo skills and creating a YouTube video in her honor.  Who knows?  But for now? I think I'll stick to baking.

You never plan for loss, but luckily for me I did plan for a massive weekend of baking up at camp, so I got me some baketherapy.  It all began with biscotti.  I made three flavors.  I consider it an accomplishment that I waited until day 2 to actually try any of it.  I let it sit for one whole day looking all tempting and cute before I finally gave in.  Biscotti makes me weak at the knees.  Forget the soft and chewy cookies, I love me a crispy cookie.  They were delightful, especially with a warm cup of coffee (even if it is not my favorite #1 Grandpa mug that broke a few summers ago).

Baketherapy continued with molten chocolate cakes.  I had never made them before.  My boss said I was crazy for trying them for a banquet.  I agreed.  I will never deny my over-achiever-type-A-never-take-the-easy-way-out-don't-try-what-I'm-trying-cause-it's-insane way of life.  I'm all in.  That's how I do.  Molten chocolate cake?  We will meet again soon, now that I know how to make you and all.  I've got some tweaking to do.

In case you were worried that I did not sufficiently baketherapize enough with the biscotti and the molten chocolate cake, fear not, I had another banquet.  Me being me, everything was made-from-scratch down to the lemon curd that I put in, um... um... um... one of the recipes, maybe the berry mascarpone mousse?  Yes. That's the one.  There were so many ingredients and minute details that I barely kept my head straight.  Yes friends, I was sufficiently therapized.

Meet mousse contestant number one: The Creamsicle.  Lemon sponge cake topped with a tangerine mousse.

Contestant number two: Chocolate Dream. Mocha devil's food cake with a mocha mousse, brownie bite, strawberry and chocolate sauce. 

Finally we have contestant number three: Berry bliss.  A blood-orange soaked biscotti bottom, fresh berries and a berry mascarpone mousse.

I am not really sure the contestants could actually enter into the same contest because they were all so different but I am just gonna go out on a limb and say that I am the winner because I made them all without eating any.  If you want to make me a medal, feel free.  Also, I wonder if I drooled enough over the crates of mousse that drool should count as an ingredient?  They looked like the kind of dessert you order at a restaurant and then stick your spoon in about 10 more times after you finish it just to make sure you ate even the air that now sits where the dessert used to be because the air might taste like what you just ate if it was in its presence long enough. 

It was a glorious and much needed weekend in the world of baking.  I am anxiously awaiting my next excuse to bake.  This week I was reminded of how short life really is, so I had better get baking STAT.  The world is full of millions of delicious treats and it is my civic duty to try as many as possible and force feed them to my friends.  I don't think they mind...

"How do you know what your life will be like tomorrow? Your life is like the morning fog--it's here a little while, then it's gone." James 4:14

R.I.P. Aunt Mary. You will be missed!

When life gives you lemons... bake them into things.

In my mind there is little debate about the best dessert ingredient.  While this blog is about lemons, lemons do not take the title home.  The obvious answer is chocolate.  People who disagree are freaks of nature and I find you difficult to understand.  With this in mind, I was invited to bake gourmet desserts for a banquet up at camp in two weeks.  If it were up to me I would make three desserts that are chocolate in one variation or another, but some people prefer other things so I had to play with some not-chocolate dessert options.  One of my experiments resulted in the purchasing of meyer lemons.  I bought massive amounts of them because when I go up to camp to bake, the nearest grocery store is 20 minutes away so I stock up to avoid a mid-bake emergency trip to the grocery store.  I came home from camp with a good 10 extra lemons and no idea what to do with them.  Life didn't necessarily give me these lemons, I had willfully purchased them, but I had to figure out what to do with them, so bake-fest began.  I went on trusty Pinterest and the lemon-y treats were plenty, beginning with these Lemon Burst cookies.  Funny thing?  I found the recipe and it was ridiculously easy but did not require a single actual meyer lemon to make it thanks to the lemon cake mix.  10-0=10, so I was still stuck with 10 lemons. Quite the conundrum.  Your heart goes out to me, I'm sure. 

 

My pinning frenzy resulted in some sweet roll and cinnamon roll recipes however that did an adequate job of depleting my lemon supply.  They also depleted my time for sleep as I went to bed at 1:30am on a school night, but that surprises no one since I'll choose about any activity over sleep except maybe running (whether its from a bear or for "leisure").  I made blueberry cinnamon rolls, meyer lemon sticky rolls, and straight up cinnamon rolls (because all experiments need a control, right?). 

Exhibit A: Blueberry Cinnamon Rolls

Exhibit B: Meyer Lemon Sticky Rolls

Exhibit C: Straight Up Cinnamon Rolls

The sweet roll project used 4 lemons.  10-4=6 (admiring my math skills? bet so!).  Experimentation continued.  Lemon poppy seed bread was an obvious choice.  Using my favorite cookbook, Pie in the Sky, for the recipe was another obvious choice.  The beauty of these choices is that it resulted in a delicious treat which my kiddos enjoyed while it snowed! Seriously, who doesn't love shoving your mouth full of bread on a snowy day?  I'm a fan of it.  So were my students.

The result of all of these endeavors was one remaining meyer lemon, which was lacking a peel, since I used it for zesting.  I can feel good about my use of all of the lemons because even the leftover one got used somehow.  Not like I-used-all-of-the-buffalo-I-hunted-including-the-eyeballs good, but good. It turned out to be a tasty endeavor, although if the lemon man and chocolate man had to duke it out, I am still gonna put my money on chocolate man.

Sometimes life is full of lemons.  I am in a season of lots of lemons and life lemons aren't really the kind of lemons you can bake into delicious things (trust me, I would if I could).  There are not sufficient inspirational quotes or tubs of ice cream for some of the things life can throw at us.  Sickness, brokenness, and death are unfortunately things that no one is a stranger to.  In the midst of these seasons, it is so easy to throw tantrums, to question, to wrestle with reality or retreat.  We disdain the presence of these lemons and curse their existence.  I'm not gonna say that they compare to the challenge of finding the use of 10 measly meyer lemons that called to me from the fridge because they don't, but I am gonna say that the result is sweet, much like these desserts.  As it turns out, these life lemons challenge us to identify our purpose, mold us to be a better version of ourselves and give perspective to what is already in our lives and its value.  I told you, pretty sweet, right?  I would also like to mention that it is calorie-free sweet (and that's not because I made up a fake rule about it), so that's a double win.  As you are reading this, you might be wondering why I am getting so emo, since  my usual style is not this-belongs-on-a-hallmark-card but you also might be reading this in the midst of some big life lemons like me wanting to have a fist-pounding temper tantrum like me and needing some encouragement.

So today, be reminded that life lemons serve a purpose, what we go through is not in vain, our circumstances to not define us, and we are being sculpted into something beautiful through the process.  As a sculptor sculpts, it uses a chisel.  Chisels are not smooth and delicate objects; they are sharp and probably could be added as a weapon in the game of Clue.  Each chunk the sculptor carves from the rock is removed with force, but the end result is a masterpiece.  You are the Sculptor's work of art and the finished piece will be a thing of beauty, bringing glory to it's Creator.

"I have refined you, but not as silver is refined.   Rather, I have refined you in the furnace of suffering. I will rescue you for my sake— yes, for my own sake! I will not let my reputation be tarnished, and I will not share my glory with idols!" Isaiah 48:10-11

I think I should only be trusted with a spoon. It's edges are round.

Are you ready for a sob story? Here it is.  I cut myself. It is embarrassing.  I mean here I am posting about my ability to bake delicious treats and I can't open a package of tempeh without slicing my finger to the bone.  Wah wah wah.  Yeah. Pathetic.  So I am now in the hunt for a sugar daddy or a sugar anybody who will sponsor culinary classes for me.  It is the logical next step.  My knifing skills are proving to be sub-par.  While few baked goods rarely require sharp knifes, I have been told that cake for all meals will result in the need for larger pants, obesity, and death. Blah blah blah.  So I eat other things and cut myself.  Typing this blog is currently a challenge but my non-bending finger has an awesome neon green Band-Aid on it, so I am not gonna complain too much.

Next subject.  Cake.  Black forest cake to be exact.  One of my teammates at school tells the best stories of her southern upbringing, her nanny and that Georgian cuisine of fried chicken, some greens and a big ole slice of black forest cake.  She NEVER eats sweets anymore, but anytime we start talking about baking, there goes Patti off down memory lane to the black forest cake.  I decided it was about time to bring one into work.  After all, it's only been 4 years.  There was some anxiety around bringing in her childhood favorite because that's a lot to live up to.  I was shaking in my boots.  Black forest cake also has 4 pieces to the process (see below):

You get your cake, then your ganache, then the whipped cream (with mascarpone cheese btw which equaled heaven), and finally cherries.  Many steps, many opportunities for fail.  But don't worry, no fail occurred.  Why I call it a win? My principal ate it for breakfast AND stopped my lesson to tell me it was amazing.  I wish there could be an extra blank at the bottom of my evaluation for that one.  If only raises could be acquired this way... 

I had full intention of snapping a photo after completion of the cake in all its glory to post, but it didn't occur.  The whipped mascarpone cream frosting was added to the cake literally minutes before heading out the door to school at 7:23 and my brain doesn't function until 8:25, right when my kiddos flood into my classroom and after a Rockstar (aka 220 milligrams of delicious caffeine).  By the time I realized the missed picture, I returned to the staff lounge to find only measly remnants of this cake.  Meh, I think I'll take a fully eaten cake over a picture.  If you are really curious, google "black forest cake".  I am sure you can find one that looks cool and similar to mine.

Man do I wish other things were as easy to google.  How about googling the timeline of my life for the next year so I am not in the lovely land of limbo anymore? That might be nice.  But alas, I think I will just have to figure that out as it comes.  Plus, God beats Google, so I think its all going to be alright.  I am so planned, to an extreme.  I live by lists and charts and I analyze the breakfast I eat as if this choice will effect the next fifty years of my existence.  With this cake, I had even planned out of all the recipes made last week, which one I would blog about and the types of pictures I wanted to capture days before I had ever even baked the cake.  Hyper-type-A.  Anyone who knows me can attest to that.  So, missing this photo event is one small (albeit accidental) step to handing control of this current limbo-life of mine to God, who knows way more about, sees way more of and wants way more from my life then I can ever imagine.  I think I'll leave it to him, and let go. 

In case your wondering whats next? Since I can't tell you much about whats next in my actual life because I don't know, but I can tell you that  me and my favorite cooking buddy are throwing a Superbowl party.  You better believe we have an awesome spread, a pinboard on Pinterest about it, pictures planned and probably will make a lovely list of that plan to ensure documentation.  Yeah.  I'm that kinda type-A.  Deal with it. Best part of this party? I only know who is playing because I wanted to make sure that some of the treats where coordinated to their jersey colors.  If you aren't coming to our Superbowl party, hope you enjoy your mediocre food and be thinking about ours.  Jealous?  You probably should be. 

Happy bowling of the super kind!

-Me

Death by chocolate is preferable.

So, for most people, January is New Year's resolution time, but for the gym rats of the world, January seems to have the opposite effect (at least for this gym rat).  So I have used these few weeks to indulge in as many terrible things as possible, most including chocolate.  Example 1: Triple Chocolate Mousse. To quote myself, "Heaven, if heaven were 3 layers of chocolate."  And yes I just quoted myself and yes that could be categorized as conceited but the reality is is that I said that on Facebook already and then if you stalk me on both Facebook and my blog, you would notice the awkward repeat of the statement and to avoid that, I chose to sound conceited instead.  Now you know.

 

Three layers of decadence.  More than three hours of waiting to eat this.  It was brutal.  Why do all of the good desserts have to set for hours?   

Someone was tired of waiting.  I would have been doing this too, except I am not a small child and it changes from adorable to pathetic.  She asked me while waiting about how I made it.  I started listing all of the ingredients, but then I wanted to cry because there is no way that this is in the least bit good for you.  But, I did wait all week to eat dessert just for this and it was worth everything I denied myself all week long. I get to indulge a little.

One of the desserts I denied? Dark chocolate cupcakes with Cadbury Caramel Eggs baked inside with caramel frosting on top.  Oh. Yes. Batter shots are usually overrated, but um chocolate obviously makes things better, even batter shots, so here you go: batter shot. Bam.

This cupcake looks so innocent and sweet until you bit into that caloric filled Cadbury egg. Yeah, I am not helping out with America's obesity rate on this blog. Oops.

I even passed up my javalicious chocolate fix all week long so I could eat my Triple Chocolate Mousse.  It was real hard.  The espresso beans where taunting me from on top of the fridge every time I walked by.  Sometimes, in situations like these when I have junk food around the house (which isn't often) I like to eat it all at once so it won't tempt me any more, but that isn't a great life decision and 16-cookies-in-one-sitting incidents happen, sooooo I resisted.  You can give me a high five next time you see me for this one.

Chocolate.  Reason number 543 that I know God loves me.  Chocolate has been chasing me around all week as I have been faithfully doing my daily Six Week 6-pack.  Do not worry about the progress of my six pack though, Jillian Michaels is telling my midsection whats up.  I seriously think it might happen.  Its kind of freaky.  Okay, a lot freaky.  (My nickname as a baby was Buddha-belly to give you a hint as to my relationship to a 6 pack previously.)

Progress.  Sweet beautiful progress.  What I love is that the soreness is paying off.  It isn't happening overnight, and it will probably take 7 1/2 weeks instead of 6 but it has proven worthwhile.  One thing that I have learned is that usually the things that build the most strength and character take a while and never just fall into your lap.  You just have to keep pushing through, one more crunch, one more plank, one more jack knife, one more mountain climber.  I have been going through a lot of character building lately, and the "just one more" has been a quality mantra.  While character building is not always fun, maybe I'll get a six-pack personality out of all of it at the end, so I think I'm gonna just keep truckin' along on this one and when in doubt? Chocolate.  And God. Mostly God with some chocolate sprinkled on top.

“Do you not know that in a race all the runners run, but only one gets the prize? Run in such a way as to get the prize.” 1 Corinthians 9:24

Lost my marbles. I think I baked them in my cheesecake.

The aftermath of Christmas cookie season being over is this great void in my life in bakinglandia.  Christmas is about the only time where you can give platefuls of cookies to the masses, so I have been on the hunt for new excuses to bake.  Not to worry however (as I am sure you were ever so worried reading these last few lines and wondering how I was coping during this terribly difficult season), days after the end of cookie season, I was asked to bake in March at a banquet.  Let me tell you, when my boss said "bake whatever you want, the sky is the limit," I could hear the angels singing.  Along with the request came the suggestion that the dessert could co-function as the centerpiece.  Heaven.  Desserts can be art and now its time to be Picasso.  I refuse for the record to create sugar sculptures that compromise taste.  No fondant.  Finding the perfect recipe is going to be a challenge, because it is high altitude mass product-ed elegance but at least I am not on Sweet Genius  and having to make a decadent dessert inspired by toe fungus and including anchovies.  This is gonna be fun! Here is product number 1: Raspberry Swirl Cheesecake. Ain't she purdy?

To be honest, I knew even before baking this recipe that it wasn't going to work for the banquet but I had to try.  I like to marble things. 

This new baking project is definitely taking me to my happy place, which is probably good because I am simultaneously going crazy.  Exciting adventures are about to ensue, but not before loads of papers and forms are filled and filed.  I have started, as a result of this craziness, to write down all of my thoughts, lists, reminders and freak outs in a cutesy black leather monogrammed journal I got today. (Hey, if you are going to record your freak outs, might as well put them in a journal that is so formal it tricks people into thinking you have it together, right?  Annnnd, since it is monogrammed, if I get forgetful, at least I can always remember my first initial.) 

To de-stress, I also have taken to Jillian Micheal's 6-week Six Pack workout video.  I just started week 4 and my abs certainly are getting a busting and then some.  It has been most excellent, and also a welcome respite from the overly packed gyms from everyone who has decided to partake in New Year's Resolutions this year and that football is more suitable for the gym than the Food Network.  Yup, me an Jillian Micheals are gonna be best buds for a while.  She's got 3 more weeks to show my core whats up and then I figure the gym will be back to it's previously empty state at 10 pm.  Just how I like it. 

Alright y'all, this post has now cut into one of my six hours of sleep I planned to get tonight, and I've got to get dreaming of all those sugar plums and such for my banquet in March.  To come are many hopefully delightful, decadent and delicious treats as I explore the aesthetics of the pastry world.  Its going to be B-E-A-uuuuutiful or so I hope. 

Sweet dreams!

P.S. I am feeling a little delirious and pun-y at the moment.  I was going to tell you I would keep you "posted" on my adventures in the final paragraph (because a blog entry is called a post) but I avoided it because then it turned into one of those if you have to explain the joke it is no longer funny kind of things but then I couldn't not include it because I had typed-deleted-typed-deleted one too many times and it needed to happen.  Thought you should know.  Now you do.  P.S. rocks for reasons such as these.



Boot Camp: If Cookie Baking Were an Obstacle Course

Some of the most awkward conversations happen while checking out at stores.  Standing in line at Costco with my mom and grandma yesterday, we began talking to the cashier.  He was a youngin (well early twenties) and mentioned the fact that he was hungry.  He told his co-worker, "Man, I need to stop eating out and start cooking at home more but I just don't like to cook."  To that, my mom said, "...or just marry someone who cooks."  The response, "You see, I don't really know people from our generation who cook."  My mom quickly offered, "My daughter does."  He stared at me.  I stared at my feet.  It got reeeeaaaaal awkward.  While my mom was just trying to prove a point, he thought she was trying to set us up and since there are not I-have-a-boyfriend rings, how was he to know the difference?  Excellent.  My life is awkward.  I think the reason I always buy cute shoes is because they are an excellent distraction to look at during awkward moments.  The awkward moment happens, you need something to look at besides the witnesses to the awkward moment, the floor is the instinctual place to look and when you do? BAM! Cute shoes! Awkward moment forgotten.  I have a lot of awkward moments ergo a lot of cute shoes.  Justification.

In all reality though, having a spouse that cooks is a definite win.  I suppose you could call the last few weeks of my life wife-in-training boot camp.  I have made a ridiculous amount of food.  Ridiculous.

Pinterest is not helping curb my culinary cooking splurges either.  I can now not only think about things I might make but oogle over them and put them into categories, which sends me right to type-A heaven.  So, what have I been cooking recently? First, it started with my cookie boxes.  I made some Dark Chocolate Thumbprints, Gingerbread Biscotti, Oreo Cheesecake Cookies. Peppermint Sugar Cookies, Red Velvet Cookies, Eggnog Cookies, Caramel Apple Cider Cookies, Chocolate Peppermint Cookies, sugar cookies, chocolate chip cookies, spritz cookies, pecan nut balls and the final cookie that makes Christmas official for me... molasses crinkles.  Overboard? Probably.  Necessary? Oh yes.  In case you are curious, I made 3 separate cookie assortments so each box did not get everything but I had fun.

At level 2, I moved onto the holiday meals.  I had a Christmas party with some friends.  Weeks before, a pinboard was created with all of the recipes.  Wife in training boot camp level two entailed: Lasagna Cupcakes, Toasted Ravioli, Zucchini Fries, Stuffed Mushrooms, Italian Meatballs (and let me tell you what a sight it is to see a vegetarian kneading through a bunch of raw meat), finished with some Pizza Egg Rolls. 

Level three? Random acts of hosting, including but not limited to: Breakfast Cookies, Eggnog Tres Leches Cake, Spicy Banana Zucchini Balls, Chicken Pot Pie and my all-time favorite: Eggplant Parmesan. 

Level four of the training program is still in process because this year I have overtaken the Christmas dinner.  There are lots of levels to wife-in-training boot camp.  It's kind of like Angry Birds that way.  Let the adventures begin!

 Alongside wife-in-training boot camp, I have begun another type of training but this kind is a little more figure-friendly called Jillian Michael's 6 Week Six Pack.  You need to know that I mostly judge work out DVDs and write them off for a weak excuse of a workout.  This DVD? Yeah, not so much.  I want to die and say not very nice things to the t.v. screen while I am doing it.  I am a gym rat and work out all the time and this DVD still kills me.  But I do it.  Even if I want to die.  Jillian even says in the video, "You may feel like you're going to die right now. You're not.  You're going to look ridiculous. That's what you are gonna do."  I better look ridiculous in six weeks or else. I can't figure out what exactly the or else is going to be, but I guess I have 5 weeks and 2 days to think about it.  All I know is that I better build some brute strength during these six weeks to fight all the people who will fight me for feeding them all of my cookies and finishing the cookie season with a six pick if Jillian pulls through and I get me one of those with her DVD. 

All of this training and I am excited to see the payoff.  I love the talents God has given me and am now spending my time making myself the best me I can be for His glory.  Somethings are selfish (like the six pack) but my training is allowing me to show hospitality to those He puts in my life.  That, I can dig. 

I love the idea of being in training, of being refined by fire for God's purposes, to become the famously quoted woman of virtue in Proverbs 31.  I think someday, it will come in handy.

^"10A wife of noble character who can find?
She is worth far more than rubies.
¹¹ Her husband has full confidence in her
and lacks nothing of value.
¹² She brings him good, not harm,
all the days of her life.
¹³ She selects wool and flax
and works with eager hands.
¹⁴ She is like the merchant ships,
bringing her food from afar.
¹⁵ She gets up while it is still night;
she provides food for her family

¹⁶ She considers a field and buys it;
out of her earnings she plants a vineyard.
¹⁷ She sets about her work vigorously;
her arms are strong for her tasks.
¹⁸ She sees that her trading is profitable,
and her lamp does not go out at night.
¹⁹ In her hand she holds the distaff
and grasps the spindle with her fingers.
²⁰ She opens her arms to the poor
and extends her hands to the needy.
²¹ When it snows, she has no fear for her household;
for all of them are clothed in scarlet.
²² She makes coverings for her bed;
she is clothed in fine linen and purple.
²³ Her husband is respected at the city gate,
where he takes his seat among the elders of the land.
²⁴ She makes linen garments and sells them,
and supplies the merchants with sashes.
²⁵ She is clothed with strength and dignity;
she can laugh at the days to come.
²⁶ She speaks with wisdom,
and faithful instruction is on her tongue.
²⁷ She watches over the affairs of her household
and does not eat the bread of idleness.
²⁸ Her children arise and call her blessed;
her husband also, and he praises her:
²⁹ “Many women do noble things,
but you surpass them all.”
³⁰ Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting;
but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised.
³¹ Honor her for all that her hands have done,
and let her works bring her praise at the city gate."

Proverbs 31:10-31 



Happy cookie season!
From,
The Troublebaker

Visions of Sugar Plums

I. love. Christmas.  There are a litany of things that make that statement true, including but not limited to: Christmas carols, the smell of pine tree smacking you in the face as you walk in your door, and (something I am sure you are not surprised by) the baking of Christmas cookies and plenty of willing victims for my bake fests with a legitimate excuse to bake something for them.  Yes, friends.  I. Love. Christmas.  While it comes with its pitfalls, which is a list that mostly just includes over-commercialization and fruit cake, Christmas is a great season.  I couldn't WAIT to start baking for Christmas.  Some people agonize over when is too early to put up decorations or blast their Christmas carols, but I always wonder, how early is too early to make holiday treats?  I even devoted an entire pinboard to it.  Well? This year I had to wait until December 2nd, but it was worth every bit of wait.  I kicked off the holiday season baking for a banquet and auction.  It all began with some Christmas Swirl Tea Cakes. 

Nothing says Christmas like a swirly-twirly cake!  This was a 1,2,3,4 cake (which is your basic recipe of 1 cup butter, 2 cups sugar, 3 cups flour and 4 eggs (then some salt, baking soda and vanilla) buuuuut being the troublebaker that I am and also being that I was at high altitude, my 1,2,3,4 cake was actually a 1, 2 (minus 2 tablespoons), 3 (add two tablespoons), 5 recipe.  So naughty...

Then the cakes were "tea-d" (as in cut into 1-inch squares and decorated).  A third got the lovely white chocolate glaze with hollies, but the rest were a creation due to the oh-crap-we-are-out-of-white-chocolate-chips-thanks-to-the-almond-coconut-bombs-I-made-last-night-and-we-are-in-the-middle-of-no-where-and-it-just-snowed-10-more-inches thing that sometimes happens. 

Creation 2 was a chocolate drizzle with red and green M & M's.  I don't think people were complaining at the change.  There were none left.

Creation 3 was a white chocolate drizzle, butter cream frosting and coconut to pay tribute to this great snow which almost left me trapped in this wonderful winter wonderland. 

Finally, were the cookies.  Two kinds were made.  First we had the buckeyes.  Since, they don't require baking, I guess they don't really count as cookies, but I have no other name for them besides balls of fat.  I don't think if you said to someone, "Hey, want to have a ball of fat?' however, anyone would actually accept.  Buckeyes.  A ball of peanut butter, butter, sugar and vanilla dipped in a chocolate coating of chocolate chips and shortening.  Yeah, ball of fat sounds like an appropriate name.  The others Coconut Almond Bombs.  They were increeeeeedible.  Okay, so I didn't actually try one, but the smell was incredible, they were all eaten up, and one of the men at the banquet tried a bite, then made everyone standing around him take a bite of his cookie because he thought it was that good.  I have decided to adopt this recipe for my family's cookie tray.  Since Christmas is a celebration, and therefore all foods are 0 calories , I will stuff my face full of them.  Looks like I've got me a new countdown... Count down to cookie-shoving-in-face!

Yup, Christmas is pretty swell.  I am looking forward to this season, I have dreams of what is to come in the upcoming year.  Plans? Not so much yet.  But visions?  Oh yeah.  Of things a little more than sugar plums.  Wishes? Oh yeah.  Of things a little more than my two front teeth.  All the while, I am grateful for a God who has greater visions then I can imagine and who gives us two front teeth and then some.  God is good.

Merry Christmas, y'all!

ABC, 123

The start of my endeavors in the culinary world began here.  Cranberry Sauce.  Every Thanksgiving, since I was seven, I was in charge of the cranberry sauce.  1 cup water, 1 cup sugar, 1 bag of cranberries.  I will forever have that etched into my memory.  I think if I ever suffered an illness or injury that resulted in a loss of memory, I could still make cranberry sauce.  Thanksgiving, for this reason is the height of my baking season.  I. love. fall. food.  Pumpkin? Cranberries? Apples? Can it get any better?  The answer is no.  (That was not really a rhetorical question or one where you had the option of disagreeing with me.  It's my blog people.)  So today I get to go to a pumpkin fest, where we cook and share fall recipes.  I chose pumpkin butter, spiced apple drop cookies and this cranberry upside-down cake that I found from Browneyedbaker.  The cranberries were a tribute to my roots, a reminder of who I am, what has made me, me.

It began with a VERY well buttered spring-form pan (2 tablespoons if you really want to know), a layer of 1/2 cups sugar with 1 teaspoon of cinnamon and 1/2 teaspoon allspice.  Over all that? Cranberries.  Oh yeah baby!

Then? Some batter.  I mixed 1 1/4 cups all purpose flour, 1 1/2 teaspoons baking powder, 1/4 teaspoon salt, 1/2 cup sugar, 6 tablespoons of butter, 1 egg, 1/2 cup of milk, 2 teaspoons vanilla.  You know the drill, sugar and butter, then wet (minus milk), then dry, then milk.

Mixed and poured on top.  Confession?  At this point, I looked at the batter and thought, there is noooo way this is gonna be enough.  Feeling too lazy to make more, this was not going to be good. But...

Guess what? It was enough! I know I had you all worried.  I apologize for the anxiety I may have caused. If you were truly traumatized, I will make you an apologetic cranberry upside-down cake. Happy?
   

350 degrees and 35 minutes later? Ta-da! Oh man, I love fall! P.S. did you know that until this year I claimed summer as my favorite season?  True story! But then I realized that the fall foods, scarves and boots really made fall my favorite season and I had been denying myself claim to the best season ever. I. love. fall. 

O.K., so remember in the beginning of this blog when I was getting all sentimental over cranberries and the ooshy-gooshy back to my roots?  Well here is why:  this week I have been baking a lot and thinking a lot.  Still as unaware of the next steps on this path of mine, I was drawn back to the basics.  The basics of God's love for us, God's plan for our lives, God's goodness and the sweet blessing of His provision.  So often, the uncertainties of life draw us back to those simple truths that roll off our tongues in the good seasons without a second thought and they sound so much bigger.  To grasp these "simple" truths in these times seems difficult.  I am grateful however, that these are ingrained in my memory much like the cranberry sauce recipe.  God does love us.  God does have a plan for our lives.  God is good. God provides. 

"Taste and see that the Lord is good; blessed is the one who takes refuge in Him." Psalm 34:8

From Scratch

I have been blessed with an incredible chapter on this journey uncharted.  The map from here is unknown but I am hopeful and trusting in a God who loves with a love that is furious as my man, Jeremy Riddle sings, a God who knows the deep desires of my heart and delights in blessing me. So I'm waiting in faith for what is to come. 

This is my blank slate. My canvas.  How about a devil's chocolate cake canvas?  Typical me, when I am in need of deep processing and meditation, I have some bake therapy.  Today, the therapy was at my summer camp and my victims were two unsuspecting user groups.  Group 1: 25 women who traveled all the way to camp to quilt.  Yeah, that's right. Quilt.  For the record, these people mean business!  I walked by at 12 pm, there were people quilting.  On my way to work at 6:30, quilting.  I would like you to know that I value sleep very little, buuuut I would definitely choose sleep over a quilt. 

So naturally, a quilter needs a cake with a quilt on it.  If all quilts involved caramel and chocolate, I might just change my mind about quilting.

A layered quilt cake.  Betcha can't do that on a sewing machine! Feeling accomplished and also slightly tempted to finally dig into one of my creations, it was time to move on.  Group 2? Nothing like group one.  Try 90 crazy high schoolers and their youth leaders (who pretty much act like high schoolers by profession) at a Harry Potter themed retreat. 

So, I decide these lovely youth need a piped frosting creation.  I regretted this decision about this far into the piping project.  I contemplated other hobbies, but then remembered that other hobbies were things like quilting and sports that require coordination I do not have so I kept piping.

End result? The monster book from Harry Potter.  Eyes? Check! Bookmark tongue? Check! A massive amount of sugar on top to send these kiddos into a sugar coma as they consume these along with the pumpkin pasties and butterbeer? Double check.  Seriously people, butterbeer is cream soda with butter, brown sugar, heavy whipping cream, and a few other things all topped with a dollop of whipped cream.  Sugar rush inevitable.  Also convincing me that if you could develop Diabetes over night, this would do it for you.

Piping.  Not something I will ever do again to this degree on a cake of this size.  Bad life choice.  But its so fluffy (It's so fluffy, I'm gonna dieeee!)! So the perfectionist in me desiring a wonderfully fluffy monster cake was glad for the piping (while my hands were not). Details.

So, now at the end of the day, I now sit here.  I am wishing my life canvas were as complete as my cake canvas because the unknown is not always a comfortable place to be.  But I relieved to know there is an end, there is a plan, and a God who knows whats up when I don't.

"And the LORD will guide you continually and satisfy your desire in scorched places and make your bones strong; and you shall be like a watered garden, like a spring of water whose waters do not fail." Isaiah 58:11

 

Its all over your face.

For the record, I never need an excuse to bake but I also rarely actually consume what I bake and so I need some taste testers.  Luckily, I teach and I have hungry little mouths greeting me every day so every once in a while I mix them up a little treat.  Today's treat was hamburger cupcakes which I had mentioned making in a previous blog.  I had made a resolution to begin including my recipes but this recipe has not been perfected for our mile-high location so this will be more a how to.  What you need?  A recipe for a white cupcake, I used a vanilla cupcake with a light spring feel.  Its almost fall, but who cares. None of my students said ummmm this cupcake has more of a spring feel to it, I would have gone for some more fall spicing, so I think I'm golden.  Before you bake the cupcake, sprinkle some sesame seeds on top to give it that bun-y feel.  Bake it then slice that baby in half.  Wa-ching! (I felt it needed a sound affect and  I didn't know the sound for a bread knife so you got a machete.  Details, people.)

Now you have successfully sliced cupcake and it is time for the burger (and yes I am aware that this is a slightly odd project for a vegetarian to be doing, and no I did not eat my imitation burger cupcakes because it did in fact weird me out if you were wondering.)  Take a chocolate butter cream (way to delicious and easy to just get a tub of frosting, 4 ingredients people.)  To ice the cupcake, put the frosting in a frosting bag and use the 1M tip. Make sure to be messy so you can lick your fingers upon completion. 

Lettuce anyone?  How about some green food coloring mixed into coconut.  Yup.  Win.  I recently converted to the gel food colorings.  They are cooler.  To be honest, I don't even know the benefit to using it verses the liquid, but its cool.  All the cool people could potentially be doing it, so I am to. 

Whats left?  Well this one you can decide on.  I went for a raspberry jam ketchup.  Some I have seen use butter cream died red and yellow, which in hindsight might be the route I take next time.  There will be a next time because this perfectionist has not yet perfected this recipe.  Plus, there is an apartment warming party to be had.

Upon completion, put the top back on the cupcake.  Want a little rebellious baking fun?  Don't put the top on the cupcake you got it from.  Troublebaking, I'm pretty sure it is right up there with buying a motorcycle or sneaking into an outdoor pool after 10, right?  I'm such a rebel...

Face shoving.  It is the only thing left to do.

Unless you rocked the face shoving and you got a little somethin somethin on that chin o' yours.

Peace, love, and yuuuuum!

-Me

And to think that I once claimed to not like chocolate.

That is a true story for the record.  I.  Kirsten.  Said throughout my college years that I did not like chocolate.  I, in fact, avoided chocolate for other desserts.  What I realized is that it was not in fact the chocolate that I didn't like, but weak excuses for chocolate in muted forms.  This chocolate is not that.  Lets try a triple chocolate cheesecake with more calories in one bite than I ever wanted to know could occur in a bite of food. Beginning with an Oreo crust, then melted chocolate, chocolate cheesecake, a hard chocolate shell, hot fudge and finished with a chocolate whipped cream and Oreo crumbles. Delish.  See here:

Or this fudge crumble in a wonton cup.  Buttermilk chocolate cake with fudge icing drizzling down the sides? Double delish.  See here:

Some people besides me do or have claimed to not like chocolate.  My friend, Heather Merry, says she doesn't like chocolate but she had some and then had some more.  Take that haters! Man it was good.  It was even better that Heather got to taste my cheesecake because she lives a bajillion miles away and I rarely get to be in the same state as her.  Soul sisters that live states away are always the best to see.  That's what I am grateful for this week.  Soul sisters.  Having them is a beautiful thing because they can live next door or thousands of miles away and every time God lets us connect again, its like we never skipped a beat.  There is warmth and comfort, security that everyone merits in these people who allow them to be themselves, the good, the bad and the ugly.  Soul sisters are like that triple chocolate cheesecake that you let overwhelm your senses when you normally just munch on the rest of your stash of Halloween candy.  It doesn't compare and the richness in each moment is remarkable.  I am fortunate to have many of these types of friendships and I sit today just feeling blessed by each and every one of you.  Know that you are a friendship to be savored, enjoyed bite by bite and if you want I will make a triple chocolate cheesecake for you in your honor next time you stop by!

A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity. – Proverbs 17:17